Note: This article discusses abuse.
While trauma in adults is often treated by counseling or a range of different therapies, in day-to-day life trauma can continue to be stoked by the responses of our peers. What follows will focus on trauma in neurodivergent adults, though some advice may also help neurotypicals.
Trauma Origins
Drawing from my own experience, I want to show how trauma can be affected on a daily basis through work, interaction with friends, family and the world around us. Trauma is an individual experience, so my reactions and experiences will not be the same as another autistic adult with trauma, however the guidance is designed to help those who can relate to these experiences.
My mother had a traumatic pregnancy, with me arriving two months early and also suffering from a stroke immediately after birth. Traumas like these can result in a baby who is hardwired to be oversensitive to stressors, and this trauma can become the blueprint for a child’s future development.
I also experienced family trauma from early on. My father’s parents were extremely volatile and verbally abusive, plus we were not even allowed to call them our grandparents. This rejection was devastating for my young, autistic mind and I took their behavior extremely personally, even becoming angry with my parents for being born into a “broken” family.
My mum’s parents were around, and were more supportive of me—however I witnessed them launch verbal attacks on my father all the way through childhood. This caused anxiety, an intense dislike of the family unit, and a sense of loss. I felt like I didn’t have a family even though there were family members around me. I distrusted the family unit, and often thought it was a bad thing.
From the ages of five to fifteen, I was bullied by both peers and teachers. The bullying from other children consisted of name calling, physical assault (which became more severe during my teenage years), theft of property, damage of property, deceit, and trickery (by lying, or by pretending they were my friend just to make fun of me, or asking me to play with them and then running away laughing).
Bullying by teachers only happened twice, but I was at such a tender age that it had an extreme impact. This consisted of stim toys being snatched out of my hands, confiscating emotional support items, being shouted at more than other children, and told I was untrustworthy, or not worthy of having friends. When I reported being bullied to these teachers, they did not believe me.
By the time I was 13 I had developed an eating disorder, as I saw my weight as something to control, and being small as equivalent to being safe. In general, I was an extremely angry, sensitive child and was unable to regulate my emotions.
Lastly, trauma came in the form of conspiracy theories being present throughout childhood and late teen/early adult years. My literal thinking mind and these theories caused a distortion of reality, a separation between myself and my peers and extreme anxiety.
Trauma and Social Interactions
Once the trauma sources have been identified, how does it affect adulthood and interactions with peers?
Unfortunately, my development has centred heavily around trauma responses, alongside autistic traits such as rejection sensitivity, literal thinking, memories replaying as current events, and the inability to exist in this reality without constant sensory pain and difficulty in communication.
My trauma responses are very complex, as I have the fight, flight, and fawn responses happening all at once. As an adult, the trauma experienced in childhood turned into the following:
- People pleasing
- Insecurity around friendships
- Low self esteem
- Masking traits
- Needing constant praise to believe I am liked
- Moments of silence causes anxiety as I get echoes of being ignored/being alone
- Fear of making friends
- Fear of authority—including feeling younger and lesser than those older than me
- Fear of making mistakes
- Taking world events too literally
- Fear/negative view of the world
- Fear of the future
- Lack of trust
- Grieving my childhood years
My day-to-day life consists of work, and interacting with friends by social media. Work is a huge trigger for trauma as if I make a mistake, or I misunderstand someone’s tone as being harsh/critical, I become extremely distressed, withdrawn, and self-critical. The thought process is as follows:
- I did something wrong
- They are angry, so they don’t like me now
- I have to apologise and make them feel better
- Today wasn’t perfect, I’m really mad at myself
- I’m terrible and really bad at this job
No amount of logic, instant self care or positive thinking will change this mindset. Often, the brain replays an echo from the past where a situation like this happened, but ended badly—and you are prepared for it to happen again. The same sensations occur, so your mind and body cannot differentiate between what is happening now and what happened in the past.
What is needed is instant self-regulation, however as an adult we don’t get to stop and regulate, and our peers cannot understand that this is needed unless we verbalise what is happening—something very difficult when your trauma responses have been triggered, and you are dysregulated.
Trauma and Friendships
Friendships can also be hard; I often isolate myself as I find certain relationships too complicated. Long periods of silence trigger an echo of feeling ignored, alone or that a person I love isn’t really my friend. I struggle with text speak and emojis as I don’t know what is being communicated, and one word answers have me believe that person doesn’t actually want to talk to me.
On social media you cannot hear someone’s tone or see their facial expressions, so all you have to go on is how you navigated past relationships and your past experiences which, for someone with trauma, means that you are replaying bad experiences in your head constantly.
Autism doesn’t necessarily cause all of these thoughts and feelings, but being autistic can make them hit harder. In my experience it takes more time to regulate and see a different perspective because I have linked current experiences to past ones, and feel them intensely. I take communication more literally, and also have an idea of friendship that is very literal (friend = someone who is there with you always, someone you can talk to and hang out with often). My concept of friendship hasn’t evolved from playground friendship, and this is down to autism.
Trauma cannot be taken out of the equation, and although some seek therapy it does not always work. Therapy is designed specifically for a neurotypical mind; even though I’ve seen many therapists, nothing has worked for me. Therapy is also sporadic and not long lasting, and so triggers that occur throughout the week, every week, might not be helped by a one-hour session once a week.
What needs to change is how peers respond to those with trauma, particularly those who are autistic who have more complex trauma. The relationship between those with trauma and their colleagues, friends and family must change, as to be treat as an average person with no trauma is not consistent with the reality people like me are living.
How Colleagues Can Be Supportive
Work is extremely busy and stressful for most, and adults seem to have programmed responses just to make life easier and get through the day. How many times have you heard “we can only get on with it” or “we’re all in the same boat!”
This would be fine, if you were an average non-autistic Joe who can laugh about a small amount of stress later, but as an autistic with instant trauma responses? Not very helpful.
It must be understood that we autistics do not think the same way non-autistic people do. Although our non-autistic peers may find our responses disproportionate, they are still our reality and still very real. To autistic people, our responses can look like:
- I’ve made a mistake = I’m a failure
- I’m shouted at or snapped at = they dislike me and something is wrong with me
- A stressful or hard day = I’m no good at this and may never be
- Not chosen for something I’ve waited for or prepared for = they like someone better and don’t see me as someone who has the skills or value
It is a huge societal imbalance that we autistics are left on our own to deal with such negative thought processes, as it is not usually our peers’ reality, however if we want those with trauma to survive in the world and be happy, functional, and safe, our peers must work with us to understand our perspectives, and help ease the effects of trauma. Here are some strategies:
- Thought processes must be understood: Peers must know what thought processes occur during different events so that they know when a person with trauma will be triggered.
- Removing person with trauma from the situation: Instant regulation is key. A trusted person must take their colleague away from the trigger and instantly begin dismantling the thought process.
- Reassurance: It is not enough to say “you matter!” or “you’re loved.” Clear communication is an effective way to speak over the voice that is saying the opposite. Examples would be “I know right now you think you are not liked, and not good at your job, but I’m very proud/impressed with how you handled things…and that clearly shows you can do the job and be a valued team member.”
- End of the day debrief: Some days there simply isn’t enough time for a proper sit down and a chat. But if possible, it is helpful to have a full debrief including getting those with trauma to discuss their feelings around the event, discussing if those feelings hold any weight, and ending on a positive. This sort of restorative work is used for children who are autistic or have trauma, yet not generally used for adults—an oversight that clearly has negative effects.
How Friends Can Be Supportive
When you get to adulthood, friendship changes. Your perception and the way you interact with friends evolves, but this often doesn’t happen with autistic adults. Our perception and the ways we interact differ, often mimicking how we interacted with friends during childhood. This is how my autism presents in friendships, and the added trauma makes lasting relationships very difficult.
Again, friends need to know and understand these trauma responses as a daily occurrence, instead of responding to me as they would their neurotypical, non-traumatised friends.
- Communicate your busy periods and when you may be silent. Often friends will read a message but be really busy and not respond, however what I see is my message being read but ignored. Long periods of silence echo my childhood, where I was ignored and had no one my age to talk to. I never had positive conversations with my peers until I was well into my teens, and so this has left me terrified of conversing with friends in case I get it wrong and they stop talking to me.
- Please communicate appropriately. I often receive quick phrases such as “sending love” or “you are loved,” but to me that doesn’t actually communicate anything. It would be more helpful to receive something like “I am really busy with [such and such] at the moment, however I am going to make time on [day] to chat with you properly, as I miss you.” Also, I do not like to communicate with emojis as to me there are no words or meaning attached to them; they are just a digital picture.
- Understand that the way we show love is different. It can be needier and constant due to trauma responses, and when it’s not reciprocated the same way, it can be seen as a rejection.
- Phrases are perceived differently due to rejection sensitivity and past trauma. If I found out two friends were going out and they said “come along if you want” I wouldn’t see that as them wanting me to spend time with them. I would see this as them feeling like they had to invite me. Rephrasing this to “we would really love you to join us” is a heartfelt invite and it’s clear they want me to join.
There are many more coping mechanisms, different trauma responses, and thought processes—however the key way of surviving this reality is for our peers to understand us individually. Although it is important to be inclusive and treat us ‘like everyone else’, there must be a balance because we do not think or react like everyone else.
Patience, time and kindness is valuable, as the reality is that we will deal with this all our lives. There’s not a day that goes by where my past trauma isn’t triggered or I become anxious about something, or a bad thought pops into my head. This will be my reality until the end of my life, and it will make life so much easier if I am surrounding by those who know what I am going through, and can respond effectively.
